I tried to sleep just now and I just couldn't, I have a billion things buzzing around in my mind at the moment and I HAVE to blog about it, it's just killing me. I'm lost in the sea of emotion, confusion, sadness and bliss all at the same time.
I ask is it okay to worry so much about others? I used to ask myself that all the time, sticking my head out for all those people who don't deserve it. I learnt that lesson the hard way recently and I will never ever EVER treat them as friends again, I am really sick of being treated that way.
iPunks, or my Pri school friends, they are supposed to be my pals right? We are together till the end right? WRONG! I realised how inflexible and ignorant they are to other's feelings recently. They went to USS without me even though we were supposed to try to find a way so that we could all go. Weren't we always the ones who could make anything happen for KC or Aloy? Didn't I already explain that I needed time and space too? They just wouldn't or didn't listen and all my wasted effort on words that fall on deaf ears. I died a little inside knowing that people I felt so close to could do something like that to me, it was devastating.
On the other hand I grew with my secondary school friends over this month, I learnt to gain more respect for them and listen more. They all have their stories, their aspirations and they actually give a shit about what's happening. They understand, they adapt and they laugh it off. I just wish I could have seen all that earlier and befriended them in sec 1.
But what confuses me now is Dino and I. I am really honestly scared, I am afraid of trying too hard, of scaring her away. Every action I take could be the last I need to make. The constant fear of doing something devastating still bugs me, she already reassured me that she didn't think I would do something like that but it's still there. You know how usually whenever you disappoint, upset or anger someone you feel a sadness slowly lifting up on you and then drenching you in sorrow and regret? Well try that with a stabbing feeling in my heart, that's how I feel every single time I do something even mundane or small wrong. Dino doesn't want all that pressure on me but how can I not have it on myself? She is awesome, she is wonderful, every single thing that I wanted and even though she told me I'm great in my own ways I am so petrified that there is a possibility she will wake up or realise one day that she doesn't love me. I feel that every action i make and every single word I say can make a huge difference in the conclusion to this epic saga. Right now I feel like crying but the tears won't come out. I'm not sad nor upset, I'm just really really really frustrated and I want to get it out of my system but it keeps getting stuck. I'm not trying to get anything out of it, it's just how I honestly feel.
I got a wake up call last week, I hit her threshold and it was like a slap across the face saying "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" I was a fool thinking I was doing great. Why can't I accept not being perfect? Why does it bother me so much now when it didn't before? It may sound silly but the DISC Profile makes me seem to understand I am an IC in the profiling and the fear I faces is being rejected and the fear C faces is doing something wrongly. I am so terrified of doing something wrong and being rejected and her leaving that it seems to consume my very soul. Dino already told me that she doesn't like making me feel insecure, that I don't have to be perfect, that I am already the one who tried the hardest but none of that seems to be enough for me. Madly in love was something I used to only believe in fairytales but the reality I am facing now seems to signal otherwise. Why else would I feel so distraught everytime I do something wrong or I think I do? Worrying would be a normal thing for me but distress is a total newbie here. My mind is just running at 100 miles an hour in a straight line and I wonder why, why in the world am I thinking so much?
Linkin Park made me think recently, "Can't you see that your smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control." and this really hit the nail on the head, that is exactly how I feel the fear of being too loving and smothering her and trying to control everything. I am still being myself at the moment but if I keep controlling my behaviour will I still be me?
I can still remember that the whole time I spent with her today I was ecstatic honestly, holding her in my arms for such a long period of time made me feel wonderful, the edge of joy. Then I hit myself so hard at saying that silly thing at night, and she already told me it was okay, so why am I so paranoid? This love is really insane and unique, it feels so different than everything else, I had to abandon any knowledge of my previous love expeditions becauses it was totally useless in this case when I really am head over heels over someone.
I want to apologise for the length it is getting to at the moment but I promise I will sleep soon and continue tomorrow when I have a fresh mind.
From Mika's new song, "All I want to do is make you happy, All I want to do is make you happy." Because when you are happy, so am I and when you give me that grin, cheeky smile or even that awesome laugh, I find it cute and I laugh not because I find them funny, it's because of how cute she is and why I took so long to find her. Honestly now, my Diamonds are falling down now, not because I am sad but because of my feeling that I am so silly and ridiculous and retarded and so much more. But in this confusion, I can hurt myself (NOT POKEMON OKAY SERIOUSLY!) and others.
I need to wake up, from my friendships, to see anything that is missing in our relationships and most of all decide what is enough in my relationship and not be overboard and as I lay my head on my tear-stained pillow, maybe the sleep will give me blissful release and hopefully in the morning I may realise the solution to all my problems.
"I miss you, I miss you, I really want to kiss you but I can't..." - Soulja Boy
